Chapter 1
The author begins by setting up his theory on communication, the techniques he has discovered to engaging people in meaningful communication even when they are trying to pull away. He tries to focus the reader away from common and misguided techniques of communication like encouragement, persuasion, arguing, and pushing all which create resistance instead of cooperation (p 4). His techniques are instead: listen, ask, mirror, and reflect back to people what you heard.
Interspersed in each chapter are stories that illustrate how the authors techniques have worked in different high stakes situations. The stories are helpful because you can see both healthy and unhealthy patterns of communication and hopefully recognize yourself or situations you have been in before in those stories. I will not cover the stories in my summary, but I recommend reading them if there is a chapter you are particularly interested in.
“Almost all communication is an effort to get through to people and cause them to do something different than they were doing before” (p 7) the author asserts, and you can get through to them if you use the proper approach! His model of communication is called the persuasion cycle from page 9 seen here:
This cycle helps you move people from resisting to listening, from listening to considering, from considering to willing to do, from willing to do to doing, and from doing to glad they did and continuing to doing. (page 8 )
But note: “Ironically, the key to gaining “buy in” and then moving people through the rest of the cycle is not what you tell them, but what you get them to tell you – and what happens in their minds in the process” (p 8-9).
Chapter 2: Brain Science
“When you understand something about how the brain moves from resistance to buy-in, you’ll have a huge edge because no matter what your message is, you need to talk to the brain” (p 14). Goulston has boiled it down to three basic parts of the brain:
- The lower reptilian brain- the “fight or flight” part of your brain. As we evolved, this part of our brain that functioned well in prehistoric times never left, just got written over. It still controls our reactions especially to perceived dangers through the Amygdala.
- The middle mammal brain is the emotional brain- your “inner drama queen” where powerful feelings arise.
- The upper primate brain is the part that logically and rationally generates a conscious plan of action after weighing the situation. This is the smart part of your brain, and the place you need to be thinking from to communicate effectively.
Amygdala Hijack- the death of rational thought
When you feel threatened “your body gives the amygdala the power to throw a switch, either directing impulses to or diverting impulses from the frontal cortex” where the logical part of your brain is. The hijack occurs when the amygdala cuts off access to the logical part of your brain causing “your ability to reason drops drastically, your working memory falters, and stress hormones flood your system. Your adrenaline rush will keep you from thinking clearly” (p 17) and you should always try to intervene before the Amygdala Hijack occurs because once it happens, communication is lost.
Mirror Neurons- why they matter
Mirror Neurons allow you to mirror another person’s actions in our own minds. This is why you cry when watching a sad movie or cringe when you see someone get hurt. “In effect, they transport us into another person’s mind, briefly making us feel what the person is feeling” (p 19) this can help you reach people by allowing you to mirror their point of view which can make them feel less lonely and like you are on their side.
The Nine Core Rules for Getting Through to Anyone
- Move Yourself from “Oh F#@& to OK” in a five step process
The idea is that with practice you can use this 5 step process to quickly move from stressed out to calm to keep yourself thinking clearly and avoid Amygdala Hijack. This will help you make better choices under stress and keep you clam in a crisis. This is the process:
- Rewire Yourself to Listen
Why do you need this? Each of us makes assumptions about things that are happening around us. These assumptions become a filter or barrier and keeps us from asking questions that might shed light on why a person acts the way they do. Until you free yourself of this filer by asking questions you think you already have the answers to and listening.
- Make the Other Person Feel “Felt”
By putting yourself in someone’s shoes you can ‘get’ each other and breakthrough barriers leading to cooperation, collaboration and effective communication. How do you do this? Decide what you think that person is feeling, ask them if that is the case and follow up if it isn’t, then ask them how (frustrated, angry, upset, etc) they are and ask them why. After learning how they are feeling, how strongly and why then find out what needs to happen to make it better and what you can do to help (p 48, 51).
- Be More Interested Than Interesting
How? “Think of conversations like a detective game and your coal is to learn as much about the other person as you can” (p 59) Ask questions about what they do, the people they care about, their hopes and dreams. Ask questions that will get them to say “I feel x, I think x, I did or would do x” (p 60). Why? Because being interested in them will make them feel good and then in turn be interested in you.
- Make People Feel Valuable
Find ways to show the people you value how much they matter. Now, go show the people who annoy and frustrate you that they matter! Why? They are starved for attention and if they can’t find good attention, they will look for bad attention (p 65). “Everyone competes for time, but no one should need to compete for importance” (p 68).
- Help People to Exhale Emotionally and Mentally
Distress- the point at which stress becomes so extreme that all we can think about is making it stop and are not being rational or reasonable. Behaviors under distress are Shooting from the hip, Venting, and Suppressing which people do to prevent Amygdala Hijack. Allow them to do this and then give them a chance to Exhale. “It’s the only response that relaxes stressed-out individuals and opens their minds to solutions from other people” and build a connection between you (p 71). How? Ask “tell me more” after the venting is over or ask them to close their eyes and breath.
- Check Your Dissonance at the Door
“Dissonance occurs when you think you are coming across in one way but people see you in a totally different way” or when you see someone one way but they don’t agree or didn’t intend it that way (p 78). How? Find out how others perceive you and ask others for suggestions on how to fix it- then do it!
- When All Seems Lost-Bare Your Neck
Own up to your own feelings of vulnerability: it prevents Amygdala Hijack and allows you to exhale. Why is this good? Because the person who your talking to can’t mirror your distress and understand it if you aren’t honest about it, instead they will mirror what you are using to mask it (hiding fear with anger will only get you anger in return) whereas if you tell people honestly what you are feeling even people who don’t like you will want to help and that will lead you to a solution.
- Steer Clear of Toxic People
Who are they? Needy people, bullies, takers, narcissists, and psychopaths. How? Confront them directly, neutralize them or walk away and don’t allow them to follow. Simple trick: “If you are hesitant to say ‘No,’ you may be neurotic. If you’re truly afraid to say ‘No,’ you’re probably dealing with a toxic person. And if nobody ever says ‘No’ to you, that toxic person could be you.” (p 108)
The Twelve Ways to Achieve Buy-In
- The Impossibility Question- Move a person from listening to considering-and from “Yes . . . but” to “Yes!” by asking people what they think is impossible so they will lower their guard to consider what is possible.
- The Magic Paradox- Shift another person from resistance to listening-from “nobody understands” to “you understand” by anticipating the other person’s reasons for ‘no’ and vocalizing them in a way that opens them up for the solution.
- The Empathy Jolt- Transition a person from resisting to “willing to do” in a single step, by changing the dynamics of a relationship. Use curiosity about how the other person feels to break you out of defensiveness which builds a better relationship.
- The Reverse Play, Empathy Jolt #2- Move a resistant underachiever all the way to the “willing to do” stage by creating empathy by apologizing to the person who frustrates you for things they perceive you have done wrong and it will shock them out of defensiveness and create better productivity.
- Do You Really Believe That? – Move a person who’s “over the top” from resistance to listening by lowering the person’s anger or fear by breaking through their hyperbole with the question “Do you really believe that?” which brings them back to reality and allows you to have a conversation with them.
- The Power of “Hmmm…”- Calm a person who’s upset or angry, moving the person from resisting to listening and then from listening to considering by not getting defensive and going deeper into the issue. Kick of this conversation with “Hmmm…” or you can use “Really?” or “Tell me more.”
- The Stipulation Gambit -Move a person from considering to “willing to do” by neutralizing your weak points out loud, call them out and bring attention to them so that people can empathize with you and move past it.
- From Transaction to Transformation -Move a person from considering to “willing to do” by transforming a relationship from impersonal to personal. Cause them to reflect on what you’ve asked them- ways to move into a bigger picture so you don’t sweat the small stuff and argue about details that don’t matter.
- Side by Side- Lower another person’s guard and move the person from resistance to listening by questioning rather than telling- don’t argue, don’t start lecturing, just keep questioning!
- Fill in the Blanks- Move a person to the “willing to do” stage by making the person feel felt and understood by asking leading questions that allow them to fill in the blanks: “You are upset because…” or “You love the library because…”
- Take it all the way to “No”- Move a person rapidly through every phase of the Persuasion Cycle from resistance to “doing,” by creating agreement where none exists by pushing until you get a ‘no’ then follow up to find out why they said ‘no’ and take the opportunity to fix it. Key question: “The question I failed to ask or the issue I didn’t address that would have made you feel differently was__________”
- The Power Thank You and Power Apology- Move a person from “doing” to “glad they did” and “continuing to do” by using the Power Thank You, or from resistance to listening with the Power Apology. Power Thank You Steps- 1) Thank the person for something specific that they did for you, 2) Acknowledge the effort it took for the person to help you, and 3) tell the person the difference that his or her act personally made to you. The Power Apology 4 Rs= Remorse, Restitution, Rehabilitation, Requesting Forgiveness. Key: the more often you sincerely say Thank you or I’m sorry, the less you need to pay your people and the quicker they will get back to work.
Fast Fixes for Seven Challenging Situations: read pages 189-220 for great scenarios and advice for the following real world issues:
- The Team from Hell
- Climbing the Ladder
- The Narcissist at the Table
- You’re a Stranger in Town
- “Disgruntled Employee goes Berserk” Scenario
- Getting Through to Yourself
- Six Degrees of Separation in Networking
